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# Laugh-and-Grow-Fat-ities. -A young lady who gives herself away, loses her self-possession. -Which is the business that would "soot" everybody? Chimney sweeping. -Why is an alarm of fire in the night like a clothes-brush? Because it spoils the nap. -Why is a monarch, who can't talk, like his dominions? Because he is a king dumb. -A vice a la mode, says a wise and witty divine, will look virtue itself out of countenance. -How does a statue exposed to the rain become diminished in size? Because it is a statue-wet (statuette). -Every bane has an antidote, it is said, and New York illustrates the remark by putting pain-killer stalls alongside the fruit stands. -On reading that the milk of an irritated cow soon gets sour, Quilp remarked that his landlady's cow must be in a continual passion. -The model young man who invariably declines an invitation to take something." has so far overcome his scruples as to consent to ake a vacation. -The Sultan has made a joke: Passing the shop of a well-known coiffeur, where the chignons were exposed for sale, he inquired if it was a hair-'em.-Punch. -There is a story told of an Indian, who, having seen a gentleman with wig and spectacles, exclaimed in amazement, "Him two scalp, four eyes, by golly!" -A thrifty wife wonders why the men can't manage to do something useful. Might they not as well amuse themselves in smoking hams as smoking cigars? -An old lady, who was admiring the beautiful picture called "Saved." "It's no wonder," said she, "that the poor child fainted after pulling that great dog out of the water." -"Tommy, my son," said a fond mother, "do you say your prayers night and morning?" "Yes-that is nights; but any smart boy can take care of himself in the day-time." -Olympia Brown did not fascinate an Omaha editor, who calls her a "weather-beaten, cross-grained, sour, snappish, fanatical, crabbed, skinny, smoked-looking old beldame." # STRIKES. A mechanic his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes; But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard- Will continue to work though it strikes. -Holmes, among other good things in the July instalment of his story, says that "Easy crying widows take new husbands soonest; there is nothing like wet weather for transplanting." -A fashionable but ignorant lady, desirous of purchasing a watch, was shown a very beautiful one, the shopkeeper remarking that it went thirty-six hours. "What? In one day?" she asked. -A professional beggar, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of reading, bought a card to place on his breast, and appeared in the public streets as "a poor widow with eight small children." -"Is anybody waiting on you, miss?" said a polite dry goods clerk to a young girl from the country. "Yes, sir," said the blushing damsel, "that's my feller outside; he wouldn't come in the store." -A man, when asked why his portrait was painted so florid, replied, that while sitting for the picture, near a red-hot stove, (thermometer 125 above,) he was requested to assume a pleasant expression of countenance. -A Delicate Hint.--Sporting character, having hold of a savage bull-dog (persuasively): "Could yer kindly assist a poor man with a copper? I'm that knocked up, I can 'ardly 'old this 'ere dawg off yer legs." -Not long since, a youth older in wit than years, after being catechised concerning the power of Nature, replied: "Ma, I think there is one thing nature can't do. She can't make Bill Jones' mouth any bigger without setting his ears back! -Under the head of "Married," in the Milford Journal, the editor says: "None reported-what's the matter with the boys?" Perhaps it's the girls, after all. At least let them share the responsibility, suggests the Providence Journal. -In a certain burgh in West Virginia there is an old darkey named Uncle Al, who after getting remarkably happy upon one occasion, cried out, "O Lord, raise the roof and let me go right up to glory, and I'll pay for the damage to the shingles. -A gentleman going to the waterside to take a boat, cried out: "Who can swim?" "I, master," came from forty bawling mouths; but one fellow, turning about, said: "Sir, I cannot swim." "Then you are my man, for yoo will at least take care of me for your own sake." -At a trial of a divorce case, a witness recently in England made the following replies: Mr. Sergeant Tindal-"He treated her very kindly, did he not?" Atkinson-"Oh, yes, very; he kissed her several times." Mr. Sergeant Tindal" And how did she treat him?" Atkinson-"Well, she retaliated." -At a fashionable dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite use a toothpick which had just done the same service to his neighbor. Wishing to apprise him of his mistake he said: "I beg your pardon, sir, but you are using Mr. M's toothpick." "I know I am. By the powers, sir, do you think I am not going to return it?" -People say they shell peas when they unshell them; that they husk corn when they unhusk it; that they dust furniture when they undust it, or take the dust from it; that they skin a calf when they unskin it; and that they scale fish when they unscale them. Many men say they are going to weed their gardens, when their gardens are weedy enough already. -An Irishman's friend having fallen into a slough, the Irishman called loudly to another for assistance, The latter, who was busily engaged in cutting a log, and wished to procrastinate, inquired: "How deep is the gentleman in?" "Up to his ankles." "Then there is plenty of time.""No, there's not,' rejoined the first. "I forgot to tell you he's in head first." -The following notice indicates a bad spell as well as a hot spell: Notiss. This ere plais is klosed fur repairs onto the preacher. His voise is gin eout, and we've sent him to Saratogy to recooper it, onter full pay. Sinners under konvicshun is respectfully requested to adjourn to Saratogy, eff they haz the stamps. Eff not, to hold their hosses to the fall term. Eff they konklude to die in the meantime, eour preacher will maik it awl rite with 'em in the nex world. -The wits of Persia are telling a good story about the Shah of Persia. It appears that the Shah rather pooh-poohed a proposal to introduce the telegraph into his realm, and his consent was by no means hearty. When the line was completed, the Shah was at his palace in Soultaneiah. Prince Ali-Kouli indited the first dispatch. It was this: "The melons are ripe at Kaschan. Instantly the possible uses of this invention of the infidels flashed across the royal mind, and Ali-Kouli received this agreeable answer; "I appoint you Minister of the Sciences." - "Whar," asked a renowned stump orator, who was running for the office of constable, "whar, my enlightened friends of the Sixty-sixth militia district, was Andrew Jackson in the battle of New Orleans? Wur he thar? He wur. He wur a ridin' up an' down on a bob-tailed Arabian, a wavin' of a cracked sabre, up to the arm-pits in blood and mud, and a givin' of the British thundes; the genius of his country a holdin' of her ægis over his head, cotton bales paneveering in front to protect him from every danger, and t the American eagle, with the stars and stripes in its beak, a soarin' aloft in the blue empyrean, cryin' Hail Columbia!"" -During the money panic at San Francisco, a poor Dutchman, who had a couple of hundred dollars in Page, Bacon & Co's, drew it out, and after carrying it about an hour or two, thinking Adams & Co. must be perfectly safe deposited it there; happening to hear some doubts expressed about them an hour later, he became alarmed, and drew it out again; took it to Wright's and opened a bank account with him; he had not gone ten yards from the door before he saw a man rushing to his office looking wild. Poor sourkrout thought the devil must be to pay there too, and forthwith drew a check for his two hundred. He continued to deposit and draw again at nearly every banking-house in town, when getting tired.